Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Be willing

Be willing to see yourself in everyone you encounter in 2010.

Be willing to act from a place of real love and grace when dealing with people.

Be willing to see that everyone is going through something in their lives that they might just take out on you.

It’s not about you, be willing to see that it is about them. Be willing to give love to that person even though you would normally get caught up in their drama.

Treat everyone as a spiritual being, be willing to look for the face of someone you truly love, in every face before you. That way it might become easier to treat them with respect.


If you always make resolutions and feel deflated if you don’t manage to achieve them all, perhaps you might be best not making them at all. Live every moment the best you can. The best to nurture the highest version you hold of yourself.

Look back and forward if you will but remember to enjoy the present too.

I was thinking the other day about the phrase “are you looking forward to..... Christmas, New Year, your birthday, celebration…..etc. There’s always something we want to be looking forward to on the horizon. I say enjoy what is happening right now.

Enjoy Now and find peace inside x

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

My life in 18 Gallons.

So iM moving. To Ethiopia. To live in a small rural village. There I will work on a self reliance program I spent the last 6 months developing. There I will farm. There I will teach mothers to be self reliant. There I will learn from the people. There I will [grow/change].

I leave in 17 days. I still have 4 days left of full time work. I have a lot of program development to do, oh and I have to completely pack my life and stick it in storage.

I’ve been packing, slowly. Not because I am afraid, or don’t want to go anymore. Simply because packing is a lot of work & I hate it.

It is weird to see your life in 18 gallon Tupperware bins. Books, DVDs, pictures, projects, trinkets that make up who you are. Random artifacts from your life that show your intricate tapestry of experiences.

A letter from a brother who lived overseas.
A worn paperback that provided entertainment and comfort.
My favorite pen that has been out of ink for years- I STILL hope I can find it each time I walk into a stationary store.
A baby gift I forgot to give
a card
a note
Pictures.Ticket Stubs.Play Bills.
an old journal

is this the proof that I lived?
How do I reconcile my entire existence with a stack of bins.

It is the one time I wish I wasn’t exactly so single. That someone else would be a witness to my life. So that boxes full of stuff weren’t the only proof that I lived & loved. So that someone else could say- I was there, it happened & it was just as great as Celina said it was.

Instead I will file away my life. I will lock it up safely in storage. And go out into the world to create new memories. Experience new heart ache. & add to my life tapestry. One unknown day after another.

That is, if I can get all this stuff packed in time.

♥ Sinlge Girl

Friday, December 25, 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Our Perspective

It is the night before Christmas Eve and all through the house....not a creature was stirring...not even a mouse. But there was two little gerbils up in The Scientists room one spinning in his wheel, the other singing a Christmas tune. He was singing about a baby from a long time ago who came to earth, God’s love to show. The gerbil sang and sang till he could sing no more...well the truth is I couldn’t put up with his voice and had to close the door.

Hey that was fun!

The truth is everyone is in bed asleep, the fire is going and I have come down with my glass of post my last entry for 2009. Though tonight I am not going to reflect on the year....but I thought I would take lead from the name of our web page...Our Perspective...and find out what each of our perspectives of christmas was....

now I must warn you...this is an honest account of each interview I did....some of this may....well just may not be for the faint of have been warned.

We will start with The Scientist as he was the first to be interviewed yesterday morning:

My Name is Aiden, I am 6 years old and my favourite colours are blue & green.

What do you like about Christmas?

That you celebrate Jesus’ birthday, because then everyone knows that a Saviour has been born at that time. the other thing I like is you get presents, I like presents because....I don’t know. (pause) Well because for kids there is always toys and you might get the same thing your friend got. I like seeing family and having a nice dinner with them.

I was wanted to see if The Scientist meant about the Saviour I asked...

What does it mean to have a Saviour?

Having a Saviour....mmmmm....I don’t know.....fells like I have everything I have ever wanted in my whole life. It makes my heart feel bigger than ever!!!

What are you doing for christmas?

We are going to the island to see my grandma and grandpa. My cousins Evan & Aaron and auntie connie and the uncle..Uncle tony.

What do you hope to get for Christmas?

UFC fighting shorts ( no he does not watch the UFC!)

an Enjoy skate board

Tech Deck Sets

(well he did get some Tech Deck sets but that is about it from that list of wants....poor guy!)

Next we have the rock Star...interviewed this afternoon:

My name is Nathen, I am 15 and my favourite colour is green.

What do you like about Christmas?


Christmas =snow...snow = boarding!

Presents, haha, yeah.

Chillen’ with family and friends.

What does Christmas mean to you?

I don’t means Santa is coming ROFL

Yeah yeah, the story of christmas is pretty dope...I guess.

It makes me feel happy.

What are you doing for Christmas?

Chillen’ with my grandparents, my grandpa is a bit crazy LOL

What do you hope to get?

What do you mean?

What do you hope to get for Christmas? in way of presents???

I got a snowboard so I’m pretty stoked on that. but I would like some “skull candy smoken’ buds” ear phones and a couple CDs I guess. And maybe some snow boarding equipment. (mom gives a “look”) What? you asked what I would like!!!


Interviewing teenagers to put this....and adventure in itself!!!

Well we did get him some skull candy ear boarding equipment...after receiving a brand new snow board from John (bio dad) and his family we feel strongly that he can buy his own new goggles and helmet!!!! Spoiled much??? I will not even tell you the price tag on that board....moving on......

The Horticulturalist...interviewed tonight while lying in most reluctant informant:

You know what my name know how old I favourite colour is red for blood..hehehe.....actually I don’t really have a favourite colour....I like all colours.

What do you like about Christmas?


What do you like about Christmas?


Me: Steve come on!

S: I don’t really want to do this

Me: I know,but whatever, just do it.

S: I want you to put the red thing on- the red number. Let’s make a put on the red number and I will do the interview....

(time passes)

(red number is now on...the things a blogger must do to get her story!!!!)

What do you like about Christmas?

I love the spending time with family.

Refocusing, time to refocus.

Memories as a kid.

I think the meaning of christmas has been manipulated, altered and highjacked.

It should be about Christ.

What are you doing?

You can write that answer...

What are you your own words?

going to the island to visit my family with my’s sweet.

What do you hope to get?

Nothing. LOL

Once your an adult its not fun

Oh yes, now it is my turn. I would be happy to give you a little of my perspective....

I am 41 and my favourite colour is dark red...blood red if you will.

I love the snail mail cards that hang in my kitchen telling me that we are thought of and loved.

I loved that some of my favourite clients dropped by today with gifts of appreciation. I love the cards in my studio tree that have been coming in over the last month. I love to know that I mean as much to my clients as they mean to me.

I love that I talked to two amazing friend tonight, whom live on the other side of the in Australia, a friend of 20 years....the other in New Zealand, a friend NOT of 20 years.

Wishing them both a blessed Christmas and feeling so blessed my self by their love and friendship!

I love the memories of childhood Christmas, growing up in a small mountain town, where winter lasted for 7 months with tons of snow, and we spent Christmas day with 4 other families, which meant a lot of cousins to play and get up to know good with!!!

I love the Christmas Story and the special hope that it exudes. That there is more to this life than can be seen with he human eye.

I, along with the Horticulturist feel that this time of year has been stripped of it’s true form by modernism and consumerism that is placed on the masses, causing people to buy in fear rather than freedom. But as this time represents...there is ALWAYS hope.

This year we will go to Steve’s sisters and enjoy christmas with his family.

As far as what it is I want...not too much...maybe some new CD’s...but really as i said to my Aussie mate...healthy, happy children and a good marriage....what more could I ask for?

That is as plain as it gets.

Unto us a child is born, to us a son is given.

And the government shall be place upon his shoulders

and he shall be called

Wonderful Counsellor

Everlasting Father/Mother

Prince of Peace

Isaiah 9:6

-The Bible

Christmas is a time when you get homwsck-even when you’re home. -Carol Nelson

I have always thought of christmas time, when it has come around, as a good time; a kind forgiving charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. -Charles Dickens

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better through out the year for having, in sprit, become a child again at christmas time. -Laura Ingalls Wilder

Love is what’s in the room with you at christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. -Author unknown, attributed to a 7 year old named Bobby

Much love and light to you all this Christmas season and in the new year to come....

Let us all pray for peace and unity, it does not matter where we all come all about where we are all going. -xo me

Monday, December 21, 2009


I've deleted my facebook page. For the second time this year. And dare I say it for the last time.

"What's such a big deal about that?" and "What's so bad about facebook?" you may be thinking. And my answer is nothing. For some people. For me however the issues run deep. Far below the surface of innocent social networking. Somewhere deep inside of me is a murky place that is calling out for approval and acceptance from all the wrong places. A place where I can show the "cool" people from my past that hey, I turned out ok.

The "Look at me! Look at me!" is a far cry from living for an audience of One. I'm creating an image of myself that I don't believe I am entitled to create.

That and it is so easy to turn on quickly to check my messages and stay browsing for an extra 20 minutes. I shudder to think of the time I have spent wasted on there, snooping through other people's "life image's". Yes there are great things about the site. I have found such satisfaction in finding long lost friends and rekindled many old friendships through facebook. I fear though in the process that I may have damaged some also in the real world. Friends who I would visit or call to catch up with before FB now are quickly caught up on with a quick scan of their page.The relationship realness gets lost. (and then it's also really weird when you finally do bump into them in the real world and they still know everything that's going on in my life). Weird.

I've become a hermit.I turned from someone who couldn't stand being stuck home for two days straight to now sighing in relief that I can sit at the computer instead of actually interacting with anyone face to face.

I've also gained a good 6 kilos since getting a computer. I used to be out walking a lot. Because I enjoyed it and it was part of my day.

My house has been less clean.

My kids see my back at the computer far too often during the day.

This is the verse I have screaming at me during all of this:
Everything is permissible, but not everything is helpful. Everything is permissible, but not everything builds up.1 Corinthians 10:23

I truly believe that this seemingly small act is a big chunk of de-cluttering my life. I feel that I am finally being obedient as I have been plagued with thoughts and desires to get rid of this from my life all year. I justified it and tried to discipline myself in this area. I did start to spend less time on there but there is also the vanity and self promotion that is rearing it's ugly head in me. A desire in my heart is to learn humility and I can't be chasing after that while stressing over showing only the best parts of my life on facebook. I never shared my blog there as many of you do because I never wanted certain people knowing my real thoughts and struggles of daily life. I wanted my blog to be real. Not a show. I wanted my facebook profile to be cool.

I don't Double POST but this is Important.

I need your help, and I dont ask for it EVER...So here it is, I need you to send an email.

I know…I know. It take like all of 10 second to send one, but THIS ONE is important. My friend Elaine is on a mission to save her parents house & I want to help.

So instead of googling me, finding my address and sending me flowers in appreciation of all the funny crap I write here (which i know you were doing at THIS very moment), send an email. Elaine’s parents are losing their house.

After 23 year in my home town of Dublin, these first generations Americans were evicted earlier then was legal and are in a fight with Wells Fargo. For all the details see here.

WHERE YOU COME IN. Please cut and paste the following into an email and hit send.

Send to:
Subject: Edilberto & Cecilia Kamlley, 0030079628, Wachovia/Wells Fargo

Body: RE: Edilberto & Cecilia Kamlley 7660 Burnham Way Dublin, CA 94568 Loan number: 0030079628, Wachovia/Wells Fargo

To the Office of the President of Wells Fargo,

I am writing to you on behalf of the Kamlley family with a humble request that you might restore their hope for the holidays. For the past 23 years, they have proudly called themselves homeowners and raised their children and their grandchildren at their dream house located in Dublin, CA. I, [insert your name], support a decision by Wells Fargo (acquirer of Wachovia as of 2008) to reverse the foreclosure status at 7660 Burnham Way Dublin, CA 94568 and restore the loan to Edilberto and Cecilia Kamlley.

Simply put, this is not just a house; this is where a family started anew and cultivated their dreams here in America for nearly a quarter century. With your support, Wells Fargo will be able to give back a home to a family who not only raised their own in this house but raised a community. Sincerely,
[your name]
[Current City]

I know this seems like a dumb thing to ask for help on. But its not.

These people fed me. They let us cut class at their house. We highjacked their van to go on shopping trips. They let us crash on their couches. We spent counted hours playing you don’t know jack there. It was safe place to land. IT was the house with the red drive way.

It was a place where as an [awkward/confused/frustrated teenager] you could go and just be.

So please help me.
 Please help my dear friend Elaine.
Please help save Ed &Cecilia’s American dream. Happy Holidays

♥ Single Girl

Sunday, December 20, 2009

A fabulous holiday cocktail

I shared this today and thought you might enjoy it as well. The batter alone is simply divine. This is my mom's recipe and even though I do not consider Rum a tasty treat, you can't go wrong with this at the holidays. I am not implying your holidays will be improved by large consumptions of rum, but should you need a sip to help you relax, here is an antidote even St. Nick would imbibe on. Enjoy.


1 pound butter (I use Land O Lakes)
1 pound brown sugar
2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp nutmeg
1 quart vanilla ice cream

Cream sugar and butter until fluffy, add 1 quart partly melted ice cream. Mix well. Store covered in the freezer.  In a mug add 1 shot of rum (I use Cruzin Clipper 151 proof. Have also used Captain Morgan's Spiced). 2 heaping tablespoons of mix (or to taste) and boiling water. Scrape fresh nutmeg on the top.

Cheers. JennyMac

Monday, December 14, 2009

Spontaneous Runners

You ever see these people?

I'm usually coming back from The Publix or The Target when I see somebody jogging down the road and it always kind of freaks me out.
These people aren't running for their health, I don't think, because they're not dressed in workout clothes.
They're usually wearing blue jeans and big puffy coats since its cold now.
It makes me think maybe I should stop and offer assistance.
Maybe their house is on fire and they're running to the nearest phone because their's isn't working for whatever reason.
Maybe their kid is choking and they need to find someone who knows CPR.
What am I supposed to do in this type situation?
I usually just continue on my way and feel bad about not stopping but I don't want to appear all stalker-ish.
And if they really needed help, wouldn't they be trying to wave down help instead of jogging along?
Help me please!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Baby Is Born

Tiger Woods & men who cheat.

Let me preface this by saying that, for me, cheating is the #1 unforgivable situation in a relationship. I believe this wholeheartedly with every fiber of my being. I find it appalling that people continue to make excuses for celebrities, politicians, etc. that are caught in the media with their indiscretions.

It's always with the, "Oh, he's a celebrity, he has access to more women than the average man ever would... of course he was tempted into cheating." Or, "His marriage is unhappy, or his wife is unavailable." Or even "Men are scientifically predisposed to needing and wanting a variety of sexual partners. He can't help it, it's science." BULLS%*$!!

And then somehow, inevitably, it seems that the wives are the ones who end up suffering the media trauma, losing everything, and being "the bad guy" in these situations. It makes me sick!

FINALLY, this morning I heard a response from a man that was actually real, and no-nonsense.

Chuck Nice, an actor and comedian was on the Today Show this morning and said when asked in regards to the Tiger Woods scandal and why men cheat:

"I've said this before, and I will say it again. And no one wants to accept this as an answer. It is a FAILURE OF CHARACTER. That is it. End of story. It's a failure of character. A man who has the strong spiritual conviction to say, that 'although I may want to do this, I will rely upon a higher power to make sure and strengthen me so that I am able to stand for my vows,' is the man who will NOT cheat. Now that's the end of it!"

Thank you. Thank you Chuck for being the kind of man who stands up for marriage and vows, and the bond between a married couple. No matter what, it's never right, it's never excusable, and it's really nice to hear a man say that. And say it on TV no less!!

This is the kind of man my husband is, and he is not shy about saying it, or "hurting another man's feelings" by pointing that out. I think so many men shy away from this topic or make excuses for their friends or other men who cheat because they feel that it makes them "less of a man" or whatever. Who knows... but it was so refreshing to see one of the good ones out in public speaking on behalf of the GOOD men who are still out there.

It's a snaggle tooth life

Trying hard to keep a right frame of mind here. Battling. Big time. In the midst of Christmas cheer posts on other blogs, "Be thankful for what we have got" posts and "we are CHOOSING to buy our kids less this year" spiels. I respect it all and I agree whole heartedly to banish this joy stealing commercialism that diseases such beautiful times as this season...I'm still struggling.

I've just spent the day traipsing kids to friend's birthday parties. To homes that are beautiful mansions I only usually see in magazines..What a dirty black cloud dis content is...

I am so incredibly blessed with an amazing, bright, healthy family. With our very own home. We have all basics that we "need". Still this vain imagination creeps in saying "But what about how THOSE people live?"  "How great THAT must be?" "How did they get there?" and "How come I'm JUST here?"....

Wrong isn't it.

Learning to be thankful for what I've got is easy when I don't compare to others. Staying that way and being happy for others blessings is a whole new ball game. Throw in a few kids or 4 who don't understand why they can't have things other kids may have and it becomes a blood sweat and tears defeat.

If I LET it.

On and upwards. Even writing this has dragged me out of the dusty cloud. I've got it pretty good. My life has "character" . I remember a girl I went to primary school with  and she had a crooked tooth that her parents decided not to get fixed as it gave her face character. Maybe that's what my life is about too.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Vacuum Law of Proserity

Most of you have heard about The Secret by now. There are many other universal laws besides the Law of Attraction.

The Vacuum Law of Prosperity is one of my favorites. This video by Randy Gage explains it beautifully.

All the best,

Friday, December 4, 2009


Deep down, I think we're all bad people.
We are all evil people that try our best to cover up how truly terrible we are.
We don't want anyone to know how vile we really are but the next person is just as bad as you are, they're just a little better at keeping it hid.
We do things to try to atone for our terribleness.
We go to church, we donate money for the poor, we try to raise our children to be good so that maybe we can throw people off the scent.
Maybe all the effort we're putting into this will help make up for it.
This ruse can go on for quite a while.
It can go on until we do something that pushes someone over the edge and they decide that they can't take our squeaky clean outside anymore.
The person becomes angry and tries to pull out all of our evil insides, like a gut-shot animal running through the woods, with its intestines catching on all the briars.
We are exposed, for all to see.
We are all terrible.
I heard someone say once that he's "just tryin' to break even."
How many of us are just trying to break even?
We do what little bit of good we can in hopes that maybe one day it might help us to break even with all the bad we've done.
But the sad thing is we can never do enough.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I feel so much gratitude these days it's hard to contain. Even when everything goes wrong, like today. (Actually, nothing goes wrong just goes wrong in our own little heads. Everything is as it is.) After the craziness of the day today, I came home, put on my tennis shoes and hopped in my car and zoomed over to Carkeek Park near my house. This beach can wash away anything that ails you, I swear. Today, I arrived just in time for sunset.

A train screeched by hugging the coastline. I grabbed my down jacket and took the ramp down to stretch of sand below. The Olympic mountains shot out of the sky like seated Buddhas. They seemed to be screaming peacefully, if that's possible. Each mountain called for me to "WAKE UP." I felt the wind on my face and the wild waves crash on the shore. The sun started to fall and was so brilliant I thought it might catch the earth on fire. I closed my eyes and took in the last rays of the sun before it was swallowed up by the snow-capped mountains. A tiny circular afterglow seemed to rest in the spot where the sun had been. I felt peace. It was there all along, just got covered up by the drama of the day.

I truly LOVE my job. I am an ESL teacher. It's the best job in the world because IT IS the world in my classroom. I work with immigrants and refugees from all over the world. I love them ALL. Most of the time I am in awe in my classroom. My students are my greatest teachers. I learn from them constantly.

Today, I had to meet with each one of them individually, about 30 students, to help them register for next quarter. On Tuesday night, I also met with 30 students. One by one they would filter into my classroom and sit down. I thought, "Registration, piece of cake..I'm almost done with the quarter." I set up a couple of chairs and as the students came in, they sat down across from me...many of them completely opened up, broke down, revealed secrets, whispered of divorce and pills and unemployment and pain in the head and neck and back, etc. I sat nodding my head for two hours. Sometimes the drama was so close, the chaos so strong, the pain and suffering so real, that I was not sure I could bare it. After each one would finish, they would thank me. When I came home from work, I asked my husband, "Why is there so much suffering in the world?" He kissed me and hugged me and calmed me down and then went to teach his yoga class. I felt drained, but walking along Puget Sound renewed me. I am grateful. Grateful to everyone and everything that crosses my path. Pleasure or pain, all are my teachers.

This is literally where I stopped typing. I am not making this up. There was a knock at the door. No one ever knocks on my door. The knock was loud and hard. I looked through the peep hole and saw my neighbor. I opened the door and saw that she looked a bit panicked. She said, "Kathy, can I come in? I cut my finger and it's really bad." There was blood running out of her finger and I got a towel from the cabinet and we wrapped her finger and I told her to raise her arm over her head. We rushed out to my car and I drove her to the emergency room. They asked my neighbor, who was bleeding, to fill out two pages of medical information. Mind you, this woman just cut off most of the nail on her index finger and was bleeding profusely into the towel. I filled out part of it and she filled out as much as she could. Then we waited. Finally, they called us into the room. My neighbor laid down the gurney and we waited again. Thankfully, we got to share time together as neighbors, otherwise that time would have been long, painful and lonely if she had gone by herself. Finally, Dr. Hook (no kidding) arrived. He took the towel off and she was bleeding on the gurney as he sauntered over to the another room to see if there was any gauze. He came back with scissors, gauze, a very long needle, and cauterizing equipment. He said, "I'm going to have to put your finger to sleep." I thought, that's what they say when your pet is sick and suddenly I was reminded of all my childhood cats. He tied the finger tightly to stop the bleeding. My neighbor breathed deeply as Dr. Hook stuck the needle in to numb the finger. Then, he started cauterizing her finger. Smoke came out and it sort of smelled like something was burning on the stove. Dave with the tube gauze came in and dressed the finger. He let us know that tube gauze is very's from the 70s and you can't find it anymore. We decided we were going to get bumper stickers that said TUBE GAUZE RULES. While we waited for the nurse to check us out, we stuffed my purse full of surgical gloves so that she could shower without getting her finger wet. The full moon was shining very brightly as we walked to the car. We passed the cemetery on the way out. My neighbor said, "I guess if you don't make it, they can throw you over the fence." That's how close the cemetery was.

I'm happy my neighbor came to my door and I was there. We had a very nice conversation about her job, my job, the neighborhood, winterizing her pea patch, memories, stories, life. We haven't talked in awhile..other than the wave every now and then. We talked more when the weather was hot and the neighbors were out on their porches and doorsteps. Last summer we had a block party and there were a few rounds of badminton in the backyard. There were also lots of barbecues.

The winter is long and cold and it can be hard. My neighbor is another teacher. She reminded me that we all live so close, but we don't. We can get sucked into our own little worlds and forget about the people around us. We can get sucked into the computer world and forget that there are living, breathing, BLEEDING people out there! She woke me up, just like my students woke me up.

I am so grateful for that.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Hey All

So the brainstorming has begun for our new .com online magazine which will be up and running early next year! Lea has been pouring her heart and Soul into design, and I have a couple of features and A NAME on the go.
It will be the same sort of set out as this Blog only it will be a proper trademarked site for all you wonderful women. With a bit more organisation! We will be having all our regular contributors which you love reading about and more! So stay in touch and head to our online Forum if you would like a say in what the new site! Please do all suggestions welcome and feel free to email me if you would like to get on board.



Sunday, November 22, 2009

A cell phone bust

My friend, Kaari and I were out for lunch one afternoon when Jesse, her 11 year old son, texted her to let her know that he was done with classes for the day. She texted him back letting him know that she was wrapping up lunch with me and would be there soon to pick him up.

It was then that we decided that I would to shoot him off a text to have a little fun with him.

The following transcript is our text exchange:

C: Hey Jesse hows it going?

J: Sup watdo y want

C: Just wondering what your doing

J: Nothon much im just goin over to nix what er u doin

C: Do you know who I am?

J: Jason

C: no try again

J: Ashleigh oh ya

C: think a little bit older

J: Wat th hell

C: Pardon me?

J: K cut th crap wo are u

J: Are u justin

C: No It is Catherine and you are in such trouble.

J: Sorry so much i thought u were a guy from school so sorry your number came up as a number I thought was one of my friends so sorry

C: I am with your mom she is coming to pick you up right now

J: Ya so sorry bye

LOL so busted. Kaari and I had a good laugh of those tears flowen’ kinds of laughs.

Oh so good...

But, really, just to top it off, you should have seen him when he had to come for a haircut this last week! Just a little embarrassed...poor poor Jesse, couldn’t even look me in the eye. Had to give him a big hug before he could relax and chat like usual.

Just had to share that one.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Better Late Than Never I Guess

So I noticed that I never introduced myself properly to this blog or to the people that read it.
I'm not sure why I neglected to do so, I just did.
Here goes......

I am 21 years old.
I am an apprentice funeral director/embalmer.
I am in my last year of school for my degree.
I plan to graduate in May and get my license shortly after.
I like to write, although I am not a great writer.
One day, I hope to write a book.
One day I think I'd like to get married and have babies but right now I'm focused on my job and education.
I love to read.
I am a blog-reading fanatic!
I am teaching myself to cook and my roommate has been a very willing guinea pig.
I love tattoos.
I have 6. 
Or two, depending on how you count.
I try to write about interesting and funny things but sometimes the depressing parts of my life take over.
I have a lot to learn about life but I'm having a good time through it all.

Anything else?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


For a while now we have been aware of the fact that our beautiful Black Walnut Tree, in our back yard, put it plainly....taken over. It has almost, I dare say, doubled in size since we moved in almost 7 years ago. It sits centre of out back yard and brings much shade in the summer, too many leaves for The Horticulturalists liking in the fall and much food for the squirrels heading into winter. It is a gorgeous tree that we have really really enjoyed. BUT this summer it proved to be a hinderance to The Horticulturalist’s new green house as it shaded the green house for a large portion of the day....not so good. It also took over much of the garden’s sunlight as well. Then there was the random falling branches...mmmm....yes not so safe in a back yard used by children.

So the decision was made, the man with the experience was with the best price of course...and last week, on a sunny day...the deed was done.

It went so quickly, you could not believe how fast that guy jumped around that tree cutting her back. (We did not take her totally down...we just had her cut way way back.)

Quick it was, just like that, within 30 minutes her branches, of all sizes, were strewn all over the back yard and she stood a little sad looking and naked a totally new tree, in our, now, very open back yard.

But it had to be done, there was no question as her growth and size was over powering everything else's growth in the yard. Things that needed as much light as she did were just not getting what they needed. And so we had to let go, cut her back, and let in the light.

It is like that in our lives. Sometimes there are things we have to let go of to move forward to where we need to be. Sometimes we need to cut back on something or even someone to get our own head straight so we are walking a clearly lit path instead of something muddled and grey.

There is nothing like feeling clear of where you are going, to feel the sun on your face, to see the path in front of you. To have those things we must continue to till our lives, tend to our needs, and feed our souls. You cannot feed your souls when you are covered or hiding. You cannot live while you lay scared in the dark. What is it that keeps you there? What is it that wears you down?

What ever it is, it is time to cut it is time to let it go. It can even be something as beautiful as a tree that offered so much, and really was just doing what it was meant to do....but when something else suffers, when the balance is so shifted, when the other side withers, life will not remain, and eventually it leaves.

I am a very sentimental person. I become attached, I feel things deeply....everything matters.

I have learned that as seemingly painful as letting go appears...there is a deep amazing beauty that it holds. There is a freedom. I found that after I learnt that letting go does not mean cutting off or turning ones back. You can let go and still can let go and still face that which you have let go of and pour your love and light into it. You still can enjoy it, be a part of it, exchange colours with it (The Shack). There is a place where the spiritual side of life takes over and allows for such things to happen....but it is us who bring it there. It is us who lay these things down at our Creators feet who then guides us to our place of freedom.

And in this process something new is born...a whole other experience, a whole other life level, a whole new world (Alladin)....and it is good.

I wasn’t sad to see the tree go, she had really taken things over. I am glad to see her still here and I am excited to see how she will grow these years to come. I am excited to see how the Horticulturalist’s green house will fair now with full time sun. I am excited to see the garden even do better next summer. I am also curious to see how much hotter the house will get without her shade. I wonder if the squirrels will not be around as much. But these are all mysteries at this moment...I am just glad to see the light.

This is the gift she gave us...beautiful Black Walnut Wood that we will use and sell for carving.

We had no idea that this is what her wood would look idea of her “inner” beauty.

Cutting back will allow new growth and new life.

Cutting back can free inner beauty...the souls beauty

Letting go allows freedom.

Letting go allows peace.

Letting go is truly an act of selflessness and grace

Peace be to you

Peace be to you

Peace be to you

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Pain Truth Brings......

Today I feel like I've been slapped in the face and punched in the gut all at the same time.
I have this weird taste in my mouth and a sickly feeling in my stomach.
Its not the swine flu.
I'm not sick.
I'm sad because today for the first time ever I think I truly realized that you cannot change people.
No matter how hard you try and how much you beg and plead with them they are going to do whatever they want to even though you didn't give your blessing and you will be left standing, frustrated, wondering why they won't see what you see?
Why they refuse to understand even a tiny bit what you are trying to explain to them before they take themselves down this same path of destruction again.
I can't change her.
She may have raised me and taught me and provided for me but there was so much left lacking.
Is it wrong to feel like I was cheated of a proper upbringing?
I feel like I should have had a better raising.
Maybe then I would have turned out better and not so screwed up in the head.
I told myself that I wasn't going to write about her, that I was going to put her in a shoebox and shove her under my bed or in the back of my closet as far as she could go and never look at her again.
But I can't leave it alone.
She's like a scab begging to be scratched off, a moth that you want to smash so badly and then blow the dust of its wings off your hand.
I can't change her and this is something I believe I have fully realized today.
I just have to let it go.
Let her go.
Let everything go.
I can't try to straighten her out and live my life and be happy at the same time.
She made me choose this.
I warned her and she chose the wrong option so I had too.
Even though I miss her I can't go back.
I won't go back.
She's never going to change.
Perhaps you think its wrong to give up on someone, that you should never give up on someone unless their dead because only then is it truly too late.
I believe the time has come.
She may still be breathing but worrying about her is giving me a heart condition.
I've got to let this go.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

No Title

Yesterday at work we sat in the lounge and watched the Food Network all. day. long.
So when I went home after work I had to make a run to Target for food supplies.
The roommate and I made steak fajitas, pico de gallo, and fried cheese raviolis.
And topped it all off with a nice refreshing glass of rum & coke with just a hint of lime juice.
It was a good meal.
Excellent meal.
Only problem was both our "man company" weren't there to enjoy our delicious cultural bounty with us.

The Marine sent me an email last night.
He sounds really sad.
I want to post his email here so that you can read it too.
I wish that I could write like The Marine.
I love the way he describes things.
I don't know what he's going through and how he feels but the way he describes his feelings make me feel like I know exactly how he feels and I've never even been any where near his situation.
Here you go.

When I was in boot camp, combat training, Mojave Viper, and Iraq, holidays didn't mean anything to me because I had more important things to care about. I never knew what day of the week it was, and often didn't know the time, only what had to be done. Daylight and dark had no effect on my life beyond the temperature and whether or not I needed a light. Sometimes even those became less important than getting things done and I'd work with only a t-shirt in freezing cold and by feel in the dark. Usually the only sign that a holiday had come was the difference in the food I ate.
As tough as that seems it really never bothers me. Holidays only serve to make me homesick anyways; so if I never realize they've come and gone, who cares? The trouble is: that getting off of work today didn't mean a thing to me. We got off a little early, but I was still there at 4:30 this morning. Typically a weekend means going to Joshua Tree and getting away for a little bit, going out with friends, something to look forward to. But not this weekend. My ankle will keep me from doing too much hiking. My friends all left work before I did so I have no clue what they've got planned, and I'm less and less invited out.
I don't mean to bitch, but it made me sad to realize that I have the same mentality of a strenuous and stressful environment even though I'm here and don't have anything that pressing. I have the weekend off for crying out loud and I'm in the same mindset as though I were in combat just because I don't have much to look forward to.
It looks like they're stopping at five and I'm not happy about it. I feel like it should be me going and taking the risk. I don't like SENDING my friends to do that without me. I'm more experienced with ied's and idf than any of my friends that are going and I don't like to think that I won't be there to help them. It's discouraging.
But happiness will prevail somehow this weekend. Not sure how but it always seems to get better. No reason this shouldn't be any different.
Awesome, right?