Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Pain Truth Brings......

Today I feel like I've been slapped in the face and punched in the gut all at the same time.
I have this weird taste in my mouth and a sickly feeling in my stomach.
Its not the swine flu.
I'm not sick.
I'm sad because today for the first time ever I think I truly realized that you cannot change people.
No matter how hard you try and how much you beg and plead with them they are going to do whatever they want to even though you didn't give your blessing and you will be left standing, frustrated, wondering why they won't see what you see?
Why they refuse to understand even a tiny bit what you are trying to explain to them before they take themselves down this same path of destruction again.
I can't change her.
She may have raised me and taught me and provided for me but there was so much left lacking.
Is it wrong to feel like I was cheated of a proper upbringing?
I feel like I should have had a better raising.
Maybe then I would have turned out better and not so screwed up in the head.
I told myself that I wasn't going to write about her, that I was going to put her in a shoebox and shove her under my bed or in the back of my closet as far as she could go and never look at her again.
But I can't leave it alone.
She's like a scab begging to be scratched off, a moth that you want to smash so badly and then blow the dust of its wings off your hand.
I can't change her and this is something I believe I have fully realized today.
I just have to let it go.
Let her go.
Let everything go.
I can't try to straighten her out and live my life and be happy at the same time.
She made me choose this.
I warned her and she chose the wrong option so I had too.
Even though I miss her I can't go back.
I won't go back.
She's never going to change.
Perhaps you think its wrong to give up on someone, that you should never give up on someone unless their dead because only then is it truly too late.
I believe the time has come.
She may still be breathing but worrying about her is giving me a heart condition.
I've got to let this go.


Lia said...

You have to let it go. Whatever it is, let it go. You said something interesting: you are going to "give up" on her. I think you should look at that statement and ponder how it would feel to just let go of "it" and not her. Switch it up. You're normal, everyday way of dealing with her and this situation hasn't helped yet...switch it up. Try honestly letting go of the pain she has caused you, forgive her. maybe you can spend some time wondering what it is that possibly happened to her growing up that caused her to be the type of parent she turned out to be. Then, maybe, you can relate to her on a person-to-person level, and not a parent-daughter level.

That is what I did with my situation with my mother. Her care taking (or lack of) is most definitely a big cause of my current pain, but she had no idea what she did then would effect me like is has throughout my life. She was simply a young, mixed-up, depressed woman. I'm not excusing her...but she will have to live with her mistakes for the rest of her life, knowing that they have forever changed the course of my life. I feel that is punishment enough (so much so that I hope she has finally let go of the guilt!). My mother will always know that she left our family when I was 13. She left me with my dad and my brother, two dudes. Not only that, but she involved me in risky and questionable situations when I was young, simply so she could drink with her friends, etc. Very bad outcomes for me...
It's taken years for us to get where we are now. But honestly, we are in a good place because I have cared enough to try to fix things and am intelligent enough to have looked in the right places (therapy, reading, learning).
Trust me, our relationship was horrible. We've cursed at each other, we've slapped each other, etc. I couldn't even hug her for the longest time. Now, oddly enough, I feel we are very similar. I'm much more like her than I ever thought...and she is much more like me than I ever thought. Sometimes nowadays when I am down or upset, I think about how the only person that would really feel comforting to talk to would be her...and that is CRAZY sounding to me lol. At least to the old me.

If you need to talk about this more, let me know. I'd be glad to help, because I feel your pain...I was there...in my own way.

As always, Lia's long-winded response lol...

Rachel said...

Thanks. That's about all I can say right now.

Womans World Magazine said...

I understand I have the excact same emotions towards my mother. It always a catch 22 you want to let it all go but its alway easier said than done! It hard when the rolls seem reversed and for once you want to be the immature one! Thank you for you candidness

Anonymous said...

hi Rachel
I read you post earlier today and just had to send you some love and light.
Sometimes they way people behave has nothing to do with us...they are living in their own fear, shame, and secrets and just reflecting them off of us....you can not take that on...it is not your to do so.
the only person you can change is you.
the only person who needs you the most is you
the only person who can fix your broken heart is you
And I want to tell you that you can and will do just that.
You are worth more than you could ever imagine...you are a precious thread in the tapestry of life...without you life as we know it would not be complete.
One day you will look back and all this will not hurt so much.
love and light to you....find your peace...find your happiness...do that for you

Lia said...

Hope you are feeling better today Rachel! Cat has some wise words there :)

Rachel said...

Thanks guy! Ya'll are so sweet!