Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I have a Dream...

'Inspire & Dream'
mixed media 
by sweetmango

I have a Dream...
by sweetmango.

As I write this, I am sitting at my large desk in the corner of the room that is used to create my art, paintings in both acrylic and oil, mixed media, photography, in fact anything that I can lay my hands on.  Except, aside from the small space that I have cleared for my laptop and an even smaller space for my coffee, there is no space on this desk.  This desk over the past few weeks has become the dumping ground for 'things' as I have made my way through the house organising, sorting, and generally re-designing my life through my surroundings.
I sit here, full of hope, new paths laid out before me, I am surrounded by choices and I continue to make what appears to be the right choice each and every time I see a crossroads before me.  This desk is right at this moment complete and utter chaos, yet every other room in the house is clean, re-designed, organised and it feels like the future I see before me, so I have in essence begun to create in the present moment the dream of my future.  This desk though, represents the part of me that can overwhelm some people, it overwhelms me too, but not for long and not very often, but sometimes, everything piles upon my shoulders and weighs me down in the most crippling of ways. Fear.
As of February this year I became a single mum of 3 kids.  I have a son, who on Halloween, will turn 8, he is one special kid, raising him is like raising the likes of the Dalai Lama, no really, that is what it feels like sometimes.  He is so wise and compassionate that sometimes I have no words.  Like the time when he was around 3 and I was getting into the car with him, I put my bag in and turned to him and told him to jump in the car... he stood there transfixed, deep within himself a million miles away from me.  The late summer sun shone brightly upon us and I once again a little louder asked him to jump in the car, slowly he turned his head as though he was moving through molasses.  His eyes came to rest upon me and he asked me, " Mama, do you think that God gave us a shadow so that we could see the reflection of our soul and know that we are never really alone?" So, yeah, like I said, sometimes raising my eldest son is a gift beyond words.  The next two, a red haired girl with hazel/brown/green eyes and olive skin and blond haired boy with the bluest pair of eyes you ever saw are unlikely yet perfectly suited twins.  Yes twins! So many people have said to me, "I just dont know how you do it, raise twins?" to which I always reply, with a laugh, "Well it is not like I can say that it is too tough a job for me and hand one of them back is it??!!  You do what you have to do, and when you finish doing that you begin the next job, that is how you raise twins".  I must be doing ok because they will turn 5 a week before Christmas.
Now, I digress, what I was trying to point out is this....I AM TIRED. really really tired.  I am worn out after 7 and a bit months of doing this solo, which I must point out was my choice, I was the one that ended the relationship.  I honestly feel like Cinderella, I dont stop, last night I was ironing at midnight and I had been doing it for over 2 hours!!  When did my life become this? This is not part of my grand plan, my new direction. Sigh.  But, you know what? Right now, right at this very moment it is what it is, it is part of my journey.  Yes I am overwhelmed, yes I am swamped but right now I am doing the best that I can.   Let me say it again for all of you who are feeling the same way WE ARE DOING THE BEST WE CAN.
So there
My house reflects my current situation, 90% is going with the flow, handling it and looking good on the inside and the outside, but 10% is a mess, 10% is so overwhelmed with everything that some mornings, some nights it is too much to contemplate.  But I have figured something out...I just need to tackle it all one thing at a time. Now I know this sounds obvious but sometimes we need to be reminded of these simple reciepes for creating a better life.
One thing at a time.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the whole picture that we are left reeling with no idea how to reach our goals, so the answer is to break it down sisters, break it down. Choose one big-ish job each day and take it on, do not look up and do not focus on anything else just this one task assigned for the day.
Today my task is this desk, and I am rewarding myself when I accomplish this task because this last area has been haunting me, teasing me, because you see, the thing is that so much of my future relies upon this desk, in fact everything i want relies upoon this desk. Next week I begin full time studies in Interior Design and Decor specialising in Advanced Design.  It is my dream, it is my future and it assures the future of my children.  My dreams revolve around this desk.  I think that is why this last area has become such an issue, deep down I am scared.
What am I scared of? Failing? The responsibility of this whole endevour? Not being able to find the time to fullfill my roles as student, mother, lover and the role of being me, Mango?
Yes I am scared of all of those things, but what scares me the most is being successful... true. I am scared of succeeding of doing it all and more and being even bigger and better than I am now. Why, you ask? Because I have become accustomed to living on next to nothing, of stuggle, of finding happiness when there is no money, finding happiness when there is no food, finding happiness when there would appear to be nothing .... I am scared of having it all.
See, even I laugh when I write that, I really do. What a crazy thing to be scared of, but crazy or not, it is a truth.  So now it is out there, it is not so bad as it feels inside of me all alone, now I have shared it with all of you it is far less a potent force upon my sub-concious and I am now able to face it and challenge its ridiculous notions.  Because that fear is like my messy crazy desk, it is only 10% of my thoughts, 10% of who I am, and it is a minority, so I am having a coup, i am overthrowing the dictator of my mind that says I am not worthy of success.  I elect to have my thinking done by the 90% of my brain that knows I am more than capable of the job description that is my current life and future dreams.
As for the desk, well after I finish writing this and drink the last of my coffee, I will do the dishes, put on a load of washing then complete the re-designing of my desk, everything will have its place and it will remain there, because over the last few years I became confused as to who I was, but now, now I know who I am, I have a strong idea of who I want to be and who I am becoming and now that the 10% minority dictator has been disposed it is time for celebration.  A celebration of the soul, of life and of being 100% authentically me.
oh and in case you are wondering, my reward that I am giving myself the minute this desk is completed?
A dress and a skirt, yes *insert smile* a dress and a skirt that I love, two pieces of clothing that are me.  That is my reward because we all need to reward ourselves for the big milestones dont we? and what better way to reward ourselves than with things that makes us feel on the outside the way we feel on the inside...I feel free, I feel flowing and I feel feminine!
How is your desk looking?


Always view the world with Love and Compassion.


Summer said...

Very inspiring and lifting. I have three children also. I know all about the 10% mess. :)

Anonymous said...

Excellent post!
Thanks for the openness....ahlf the struggle when you are in that 10% is thinking that you are alone...but we all go there as some points in our journey.
blessings to you on this journey, remember to rest...important for you and your 3 little birds.
Love the story about your son...what a lovely soul!

Deborah said...

Oh how lovely you are...and an enjoyable read. Oh I can definitely see you in that dress!
De-Lovely! **blows kisses** Deb

Marie S said...

What a great post!
Fear, such a scary thing isn't it?
Good luck with everything, you are worth it!
Well done!

Wendi. S. said...

As always, your words are a refection of my thoughts. I so connect with you at times, that its like my self concious talking to me. Love reading your thoughts.
Hope you dont mind if I share a quote from my collection......

If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it.
William arthur Ward.


nollyposh said...

Three children and doing it alone... i know that one and i remember those same words to myself at midnight finishing the ironing and contemplating the 6am start... One day at a time, one breath at a time, i will survive because those six beautiful eyes remind me that i can x

jinksy said...

My desk is a moveable feast of mess; 'stuff' undulates, decreases and expands over its surface, with each bit of it reflecting another facet of me. There are always opportunities to follow a different path - amybe that sums up how I like to live my life? Or does it just mean I'm an untidy so-and-so who will never amount to anything, because of the clutter?!

Lori ann said...

Such a lovely post, such heartfelt words. My desk has looked like yours for much of my life for the same reasons you give Mango. The gift of age and grace is helping it to clear.
Children can enlighten and take our breath away can't they? your going to be more than fine.