The Time it Takes to Give a Bath

The Timeline:

6:30pm Grab four mismatched towels and washcloths out of the dryer and prepare for the flood that the rainbow was supposed to do away with forever. Collect an armload of blanket sleepers and lay it all out on your unmade bed.

6:45pm Head down to the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of white wine, grab a handfull of pretzels from the open bag in the pantry, and find a chair to stand on to obtain a hidden candy bar from one of many secret stashes. Baby Ruth... yeah baby!

7:00pm Gather subjects and herd towards the bathroom. Undress one and realize you must now address a poopy diaper. Collect hands and redirect all to the changing table. Use 229 wipes and clog the Diaper Genie. Head back to the bathroom and proceed to undress the remaining bathers.

7:15pm Begin filling tub with warm water and add a squirt of Burt's Bees Baby Wash. Perform quality assurance temperature test with your naked elbow wearing a tank top without a bra and a pair of sweatpant shorts from Victoria's Secret. Observe three bare bottomed toddlers laughing, squealing, and circling the perimeter of the bathroom like caged animals do at the zoo.

7:30pm Notice the three year old instruct the two year old how to push down and open the child proof cabinet locks and watch a bucket of bath toys spill out all over the floor. You sip your wine, while they hurl the toys into the tub and grunt for you to put them in. One. Two. Three. They are all smiles as you realize your energy reserves are drawing low.

7:45pm You sit on the floor amazed that the splashing generated by this trio can hit both the ceiling AND the mirror across the room. You wonder the damage they could do if they had super soaker squirt guns. You unwrap your Baby Ruth and prepare to restore your stamina and energy level.

7:50pm The little dog you and hubby bought in a moment of insanity wanders into the bathroom knowing full well he is out of the grasp of the terrorists. You see there is peanut butter and bits of cracker stuck to his back and neck. You reach down, and plop the furball into the tub, to the delight of the existing bathers. A dab of Burt's Bees Baby Wash and you clean a canine in under thirty seconds. Pit stop successful. You lift him out, briefly towel dry him and he scurries away.

8:00pm After proudly considering how efficient you are at managing this racket, you move to the edge of the tub, grab the oversized plastic cup from the movie theater and begin to wash hair. At salon de mom, they help you sing the Barney song Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah if all the raindrops were lemondrop and gumdrops...while you lather and rinse. One. Two. Three.

8:15pm Run a washcloth over their backs and under their arms and decide to let them play for one more minute.

8:16pm Sigh... and know that in less than a half hour, you will be able to shower for the first time in two days as your dreamy fantasy abruptly ends. The three year old loudly informs you that there is poo poo in the tubby. And sure enough floating in the water amidst the three little bodies and 40 plus toys is something that looks alot like the candy bar you just ate. You spring into action pulling one, two, three soaking wet little ones out onto dry land, as you scan the surface to isolate the dreaded brown submarine.

8:20pm You detain the brown submarine in the movie theater cup, that you now know will end up in the trash. You leave it all for later, pulling the plug on the drain then drying off your three shivering chickadees.

8:30pm You beatbox while informing the happy go lucky's that it is officially, "jammer time". They dance as you perform a toddler bedtime rap and put on diapers and jammies

8:40pm Obtain binkies and blankies, thank God for the opportunity to go grey at such a young age and for the three amazing little people that think you are a rock star, sing another song that's part of the bedtime routine and tuck them in, after covering their precious faces with kisses.

8:50pm Break out the Lysol wipes and begin to disinfect all the bath toys, the bathtub, and throw the cup of poo poo in the trash receptacle outside.

9:15pm Wipe down the walls, mirror, and floors and place all the wet towels into the washing machine.

9:30pm Realize that your shower is going to be delayed once again as a result of sheer exhaustion. Remind hubby to wake you up early to de-stink yourself. Don't bother to change out of your wet clothes, just collapse face down on the bed...all from the time it takes to give a bath.

~xcetrachick